How To Argue With Me

Recent conversations have convinced me that effective arguing may be a lost art. So I thought I’d put together a list of rules that will (should you so desire) help you argue with me effectively.

1) Make your point clearly and succinctly. Do not repeat yourself. I heard you the first time. If I misunderstand your point, you may attempt one clarifying statement. If I still misunderstand your point, the fault probably lies with you. You need to go away to a room with a door that locks and (silently) rehearse your argument. Maybe you could practice in the mirror.

2) If I should happen to misspeak (and I will – I’m somewhat famous for it) I will generally correct myself immediately and restate my point concisely. Think of it as a verbal typo. You should not interrupt, sigh, roll your eyes, or moan like you have a bamboo splinter under a fingernail. Very occasionally, I will misspeak without realizing I have done so. In this case, and only in this case, you may tactfully correct me.

3) You may curse or raise you voice to enhance whatever part of your argument you think is most important. If you do this constantly however, you risk being thought of as an intolerably foolish buffoon. So use these tactics carefully. Also see #4, below.

4) If you are too much of a jerk, I will punch you in the nose. I like to think of this rule as the jerk threshold rule. The jerk threshold is the point at which my desire to win the argument is exactly and equally offset by my desire to punch your nose. Cross the threshold and… Bam! Right in the nose.

5) If you are a girl, and you think rule #4 does not apply to you, think again. I may not punch your nose, but I will instead say something so nasty and so personal that you will wish your nose had been punched instead. Unless you are my Mom. If you are my Mom, then you are right and I am sorry. Please forgive me for arguing.

6) Do not use simplifying examples inappropriately. Supply and demand economics is not like turning on a water faucet. You cannot explain a particle accelerator to me by talking about a bowling ball hitting some pins. Some things are just complicated, and no magic simplifying example makes those things less complicated.

7) Avoid colloquialisms. If I say something like, “I think Keynesian theory explains more about the actions of the military industrial complex than does your theory that all CEOs of big companies are corrupt.” And then you say, “The grass is always greener on the other side.” then I may punch you in the nose. Say something original. You can do it.

Say what you mean. I do not have a crystal ball. I expect that your command of the language has reached the point where you can express yourself accurately. If you are less than 10 years old I may (at my discretion) cut you some slack on this rule.

9) If you have been drinking, make sure that I have drunk an equal or greater amount. When I am the most sober person in the room, you are boring. Very boring. Instead of arguing, go get me a rum tonic.

10) Conversely, if I have been drinking and you are sober: I am incredibly interesting. I am a friggin genius. I have –never- lost an argument while drinking. Although I have done quite a bit of nose punching. And some wrestling.

11) There are several ways you can win this argument:

a. My supporting facts are incorrect, which you point out conclusively, -and- you point out additional facts which contradict my argument. In this case, I have just learned something, for which I am grateful
b. Your unique viewpoint enlightens me to a way of thinking that I have heretofore not considered, and your unique viewpoint is more satisfactory (by my standards) than my current viewpoint. In this case I will adopt your viewpoint, and you get to tell all your friends that I got that great idea from you!
c. I make some logical mistake which you point out. Unlikely, but theoretically possible. It last happened in 1982.

12) If you win the argument, I will, graciously and without malice, say something like, “You are right. I was a little confused about this point.” Or I might say, “Hmm. I never thought about it that way. I like your point of view.” However…I expect gracious behavior from you as well. If you are the type that does not admit mistakes, then let’s just skip the argument and get straight to the nose punching.

13) It takes two people to argue. Do not mistake my silence for your victory. I am just allowing you to be wrong. If I think you are being foolish, I will not continue to argue with you; I will just stop talking. If I stop talking, it is because I have unilaterally disarmed myself. You are hereby encouraged to do likewise.

generated with fond memories for Dave Barry’s classic text, How To Argue