Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrhhhhaaaahhh!

I just added 6 more months to my retirement date.

How To Argue With Me

Recent conversations have convinced me that effective arguing may be a lost art. So I thought I’d put together a list of rules that will (should you so desire) help you argue with me effectively.

1) Make your point clearly and succinctly. Do not repeat yourself. I heard you the first time. If I misunderstand your point, you may attempt one clarifying statement. If I still misunderstand your point, the fault probably lies with you. You need to go away to a room with a door that locks and (silently) rehearse your argument. Maybe you could practice in the mirror.

2) If I should happen to misspeak (and I will – I’m somewhat famous for it) I will generally correct myself immediately and restate my point concisely. Think of it as a verbal typo. You should not interrupt, sigh, roll your eyes, or moan like you have a bamboo splinter under a fingernail. Very occasionally, I will misspeak without realizing I have done so. In this case, and only in this case, you may tactfully correct me.

3) You may curse or raise you voice to enhance whatever part of your argument you think is most important. If you do this constantly however, you risk being thought of as an intolerably foolish buffoon. So use these tactics carefully. Also see #4, below.

4) If you are too much of a jerk, I will punch you in the nose. I like to think of this rule as the jerk threshold rule. The jerk threshold is the point at which my desire to win the argument is exactly and equally offset by my desire to punch your nose. Cross the threshold and… Bam! Right in the nose.

5) If you are a girl, and you think rule #4 does not apply to you, think again. I may not punch your nose, but I will instead say something so nasty and so personal that you will wish your nose had been punched instead. Unless you are my Mom. If you are my Mom, then you are right and I am sorry. Please forgive me for arguing.

6) Do not use simplifying examples inappropriately. Supply and demand economics is not like turning on a water faucet. You cannot explain a particle accelerator to me by talking about a bowling ball hitting some pins. Some things are just complicated, and no magic simplifying example makes those things less complicated.

7) Avoid colloquialisms. If I say something like, “I think Keynesian theory explains more about the actions of the military industrial complex than does your theory that all CEOs of big companies are corrupt.” And then you say, “The grass is always greener on the other side.” then I may punch you in the nose. Say something original. You can do it.

Say what you mean. I do not have a crystal ball. I expect that your command of the language has reached the point where you can express yourself accurately. If you are less than 10 years old I may (at my discretion) cut you some slack on this rule.

9) If you have been drinking, make sure that I have drunk an equal or greater amount. When I am the most sober person in the room, you are boring. Very boring. Instead of arguing, go get me a rum tonic.

10) Conversely, if I have been drinking and you are sober: I am incredibly interesting. I am a friggin genius. I have –never- lost an argument while drinking. Although I have done quite a bit of nose punching. And some wrestling.

11) There are several ways you can win this argument:

a. My supporting facts are incorrect, which you point out conclusively, -and- you point out additional facts which contradict my argument. In this case, I have just learned something, for which I am grateful
b. Your unique viewpoint enlightens me to a way of thinking that I have heretofore not considered, and your unique viewpoint is more satisfactory (by my standards) than my current viewpoint. In this case I will adopt your viewpoint, and you get to tell all your friends that I got that great idea from you!
c. I make some logical mistake which you point out. Unlikely, but theoretically possible. It last happened in 1982.

12) If you win the argument, I will, graciously and without malice, say something like, “You are right. I was a little confused about this point.” Or I might say, “Hmm. I never thought about it that way. I like your point of view.” However…I expect gracious behavior from you as well. If you are the type that does not admit mistakes, then let’s just skip the argument and get straight to the nose punching.

13) It takes two people to argue. Do not mistake my silence for your victory. I am just allowing you to be wrong. If I think you are being foolish, I will not continue to argue with you; I will just stop talking. If I stop talking, it is because I have unilaterally disarmed myself. You are hereby encouraged to do likewise.

generated with fond memories for Dave Barry’s classic text, How To Argue

Trip Cancelled

My trip to Tewkesbury, England is not going to come off. It figures. The one time I get a chance to visit England (on company money no less) and the hundred year flood decides to happen.

 Details here.

Maybe The Most Gorgeous Sailing Shot I’ve Ever Seen

And keep in mind the boat is only 21 feet long. Mmmmmmhhh. If I didn’t already have a cruising boat…

A Conversation That I Might Have Had This Evening With a Bottle of Jim Beam While Spending The Night Alone In My House For the First Time in 5 Years

Me: So….
Bottle of Jim Beam:
Me:
Bottle of Jim Beam:
Me: It’s kinda quiet, huh?
Bottle of Jim Beam:
Me: Too quiet.
Bottle of Jim Beam:
Me: he he he
Bottle of Jim Beam:
Me:
Bottle of Jim Beam:
Me: Y’know. Like in those old movies. When Dolph Lundgren is about to get ambushed by a bunch of ninjas that drop out of the ceiling… Where do those ninjas come from anyway? They seem to defy laws of Newtonian motion. You know… an object in motion tends to stay in motion and all that stuff. I mean, how do they get –in- the ceiling? That seems like a useful skill. I wonder if I could get in a ceiling.
Bottle of Jim Beam:
Me: It’d be easier for you. You’re small.
Bottle of Jim Beam:
Me: Too quiet.
Bottle of Jim Beam:
Me: I miss Dana.
Bottle of Jim Beam:
Me: And the kids.
Bottle of Jim Beam:
Me: Mmmmh… this is so lame. I can’t believe I’m sitting here talking to a bottle.
Bottle of Jim Beam: Nice observation there, Captain obvious.
Me: What was that?
Bottle of Jim Beam:
Me: Whaaaat?
Bottle of Jim Beam:
Me: That’s it. I’m going to bed. Wake me if I sleep past noon.
Bottle of Jim Beam: Could you pass me the remote control?

My Daily Affirmation

I just got my passport renewed (in preparation for a business trip to London) and I noticed that my new passport had all sorts of cool quotes and pictures on it. Is this new passport policy? I’m diggin on one quote in particular:

For this is what America is all about. It is the uncrossed desert and the unclimbed ridge. It is the star that is not reached and the harvest sleeping in the unplowed ground. Is our world gone? We say “Farewell.” Is a new world coming? We welcome it - and we will bend it to the hopes of man.

Lyndon B. Johnson

I’m not a huge fan of LBJ, but this changes my mind a little. “harvest sleeping in the unplowed ground” - that’s poetic. Did he steal that line from someone? ”we will bend it to the hopes of man” - cold chills. Tolkienesque.

I Am The Speed Merchant

I thought of several ways to make this post sound humble but, instead, I think I’ll tell you what really happened. 2 races this weekend at the Catherine Spiller Regatta in a fleet of 8 J/22s. Chelsea driving. Dana trimming. Yours truly on foredeck and tactics. 2 races. 2 bullets. 2 horizon jobs.

Here’s a conversation that occurred during the first race:

Me: Don’t worry about that start. Fill the tell-tales. No pinching. Hold here for a little bit and tack as soon as you can clear the committee boat.
Chelsea: Tacking.
Me: Little too tight on the jib trim… that’s better. Nose down now, Chelsea. We’re racing to the next header. Nose down. Fill the tell-tales.
Chelsea: I’m trying.
Me: Don’t try. Do it. Nose down. Good speed here. Hold that. No lower. How’s the helm?
Chelsea: A little weather.
Me: Tiny jib trim. Half an inch. No more.
Dana: There?
Me: There.
Dana: 2 boats are on our board. We’re faster. We’re higher.
Me: Good mode here Chelsea. Hold that. Perfect.
Chelsea:
Dana:
Me:
Chelsea:
Dana: I think we’re winning.
Me: We’re ahead by 100 yards if this wind holds. All we need is a… ahh sweet, sweet header. We’re down 10, see if it holds… ok, time to go.
Chelsea: 3… 2…
Me: Now. Chelsea.
Chelsea: Tacking.
Dana:
Chelsea:
Me: Don’t look around Chelsea. Tell-tales. Be perfect here.
Dana:
Chelsea:
Me:
Dana: How much do you think we’re ahead by?
Me: Dunno. Maybe 250 yards.
Chelsea: Dad. That was so cool.
Me: You may no longer refer to me as Dad.
Dana: David, what is she supposed to call you?
Me: You may no longer refer to me as David.
Dana: Well what am I supposed to call you?
Me:
Dana:
Chelsea:
Me: You may refer to me as Speed Merchant
Chelsea: Dad!
Dana: phtfft!
Me:
Chelsea:
Dana:
Me:
Chelsea: Dad, should we cover this boat?
Dana: Layline is getting close.
Me:
Dana:
Chelsea:
Me:
Dana:
Chelsea: Speed Merchant?
Me: We’re down 5. Let’s go ahead and loose cover.
Chelsea: Thank you Speed Merchant.
Dana: Thank you Speed Merchant.

The second race was just like the first. Except not as close.

I am the SPEED MERCHANT!!! Hear me roar!

More Sailing Pr0n

A kewpie doll goes to the person who can guess what this is, what it does, and the label on each of the 4 positions of the controller

If your name is Kevin, Pete, or Tom - You’re not allowed to guess.

Update - 18-July-2007

Looks like nobody is going to get this one. I’ll go ahead and ruin the contest by giving the result.

It’s a masthead combination tri-color, anchor, strobe light with a photovoltaic cell that turns the light off when the sun is up. It uses about 6 watts and can be seen from 2 nautical miles away. Switch positions are tri-color, anchor, strobe, and off. It is the ultimate cruising kit, and I may need a second mortgage on the house to cover the payments.

Does this mean I have to give myself a kewpie doll?

Compression Fittings

Just ordered some HI-Mod compression fittings from Hayn Marine. My intention is to do the install myself. Hayes Rigging is swaging the the tops of all the standing rigging. And I’m gonna see if I can install these little beasties on the bottom.

Wish me luck.

A Conversation With My Beautiful Bride Concerning My Eating Habits

My Beautiful Bride: Your eating habits are not good..
Me:
My Beautiful Bride: What is that you’re putting in you mouth?
Me:
My Beautiful Bride: Was that a whole doughnut?
Me:
My Beautiful Bride: You’re supposed to eat them in small bites. That is disgusting.
Me:
My Beautiful Bride: Categorically disgusting.
Me:
My Beautiful Bride: I cannot believe you just did that. When is the last time you ate a vegetable? Have you eaten a vegetable in 2007?
Me:
My Beautiful Bride:
Me:
My Beautiful Bride: Well?
Me:
My Beautiful Bride: That’s it. We’re having artichokes for dinner tonight. We’ll see if you can stick a whole artichoke in your mouth.
Me:
My Beautiful Bride:
Me: You’re serious?
My Beautiful Bride: Serious as your cholesterol is high.
Me: f*@&.
My Beautiful Bride: Artichokes with a side of lima beans.
Me: I played that all wrong, didn’t I?
My Beautiful Bride: Where’s my cookbook?